October 23, 2007
Mood: Depressed and Irritable
I am feeling depressed.
Feel the crying spells coming again.
I am feeling very irritable. Very impatient. Not a very good mood to go to tuition in. Especially since the student can be really quite irritating.
Bblics asked if I wanted (more like, needed) dessert. Some cake or pastry. I don't even think a smoothie will help a lot now.
In that kind of state of mood that food doesn't help anymore.
I want to go into a deep, deep sleep and long, long sleep.
Cry and sleep, and cry and sleep. That will probably cure it.
Keep away if you have nothing intelligent or empathetic to say.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 13:31
October 22, 2007
Going out to... Mr and Mrs Tok
Congratulations, Ade.
Looking at you do the slow march down the ballroom entrance for the second time tonight made me feel really touched.
Because I looked at you and thought, "this is the friend I almost lost." You chose me to be your co-ordinator. The task was simple. I just had to help you tie the ribbons of your evening gown (yes, not night gown). And looking at you, so beautiful on your so very special day, I knew then any hurt and pain could go away with time and if one makes an effort to reconcile with another, friendships can be salvaged.
Looks like we made it, look how far we've come together. As friends who almost stopped becoming but now, don't expire.
You've found the person you are willing to entrust the rest of your life to. Congratulations, dear friend...
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 00:46
~ Randomly...
The best thing about alcohol is that it makes you feel warm and fuzzy and sleepy. The worst thing about it is that, most of the time, you drink outside. That translates to (by the fastest) a taxi ride home and then, a shower after that. Which means you are not likely to just go home and plonk on the bed and slip into deep sleep - which is exactly what I feel like doing now. Not very likely. Unless you are just very drunk and basically, had to be brought home instead of opening the doors by yourself.
A short term effect of alcohol is that it makes you feel warm inside but if you are in a really cold place, like a hotel - which was where I was at earlier - the temperature difference makes you shiver unwittingly. And that's not a very nice feeling. 'Cos it makes you feel farking lonely. Tried to hug myself with my shawl wrapped all around me. But you know what would really help?
What would really help is someone to hold your hand, rub your hands and just hold you close. Nothing beats the warmth of being close to another human. Which, of course, is just what I did not have, do not have. So, that was just farkin lonely.
I like drinking because it makes me so sleepy that I feel I could sleep away everything that I try not to think about all the time. But I don't like drinking because it makes me feel sad and lonely and basically, I don't know what to think about anything and of anything, anymore. I can't even find enough energy to pretend I know.
xxx
I'm tired..
Everything, my dear. Everything.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 00:37
October 14, 2007
~ Randomly...
C for Curosity.
21 years ago, I had a C for curosity. And story-telling.
For some reason, my sister needed her birth cert and so, my mum went to dig out all our relics from birth till PSLE. And we were looking at some of our kindergarten report cards.
I had a C for curosity and story-telling. My younger sister had a C for language expression and communication. Strangely, we never found any of Janet's report cards.
At the age of 6, it should be quite acceptable to not be able to tell stories well, right? Moreover, I speak Mandarin at home. And I suppose story-telling was in English? Anyway, I think my university studies more than made up for that C. Just look at how many term papers I've managed to cook up and scored in. I've advanced, no doubt. This blog being yet another proof of my story-telling skills. Maybe not. Maybe I just like to celebrate myself here.
I find the C for curosity rather disturbing. Maybe not 'disturbing' but it did prompt me to think about it for awhile. At the age of 6, why was I not curious about the things around me? I should be, right?
Maybe I have always been a jaded girl, since 6 years old.
Something must have changed along the way, though. That, I'm sure. Somewhere between teenage and now, I must have felt more curosity and interest and a certain healthy degree of positive feelings about the things around me, the people, the life.
Yet, something changed again. 'Cos I feel as curious about life as I probably did 21 years ago. And this time round, it's even more disturbing.
xxx
Downloaded couple songs from Soundbuzz yesterday. Listening to them now. And was playing around with the visualizations.
Would it be a vital sign of my hopeless boredom if I began to feel that some of the visualizations are actually quite relaxing and therapeutic?
xxx
This weekend, gonna busy with Adeline's wedding, the traditional one - involving being one of the door bitches at gatecrash, and one of the bride's helpers at the dinner.
Almost all my close girlfriends are married. A few have even started planning for motherhood.
I can't remember if long ago, when we were still 'silly schoolgirls' - like how our Lit teacher liked to call us - when we daydreamed about who would get married first and then how the order would likely be, what my position was. But I think I was supposed to be one of the first few to leave the shelf.
I think I just like being stashed on the shelf. The scenery is better from up here. Much more clearer, much more lucid.
xxx
You must remember that anticipation is always pleasurable. And the memory of happiness is always miserable. That's from Jonathan Coe.
And anything that requires you to give it thought is just not real (top of the list is the crap we call work). But life's about so much of that. "I think. Therefore, I am." That's from Descartes.
Thinking, and remembering is painful. And at the end, you find out that thinking, believing (regardless of what) and remembering is all so transient. Yet, the pain it brings is so real that it could result in a physical response or condition.
The things you don't have to think about, and could do just instinctively are the only things that are real. Like I told you, they are 'sleep' and 'eat'.
That's why... it's important to be able to sleep, in spite of everything else in life.
And back to the anticipation thingy... just keep planning and anticipating the next shot at moments of happiness. Even if that would, eventually, add to the misery.
Next life, I choose to be a cat.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 22:49
October 06, 2007
~ Randomly...
Base is my natural colour, i.e. dark brown. Main highlight is dark red. Funky highlight is light purple, plus some streaks of bleached yellow.
My new hair colour! Funky underneath a head of subtleties. Damn cool.
Only for less than 60 bucks! I adore my hairstylist!
xxx
That day even the oracle didn't foresee, I received 2 messages. One in the morning, from Junhao; one in the evening, from Eugene.
It's unusual for them to sms me just to ask how I was. Then, I had a long, fantastic chat with the knight. What a great round-up to a day!
xxx
4 years after I donned my academic dress for convoc, my family is finally going to get our family portrait taken tomorrow. With both my sisters donning their academic dresses respectively too. And with two dog members of the family.
Which is the catalyst for me to colour my hair. Otherwise, would have waited for Ade's wedding dinner upcoming.
xxx
What the previous company deserves is a mass resignation. I absofuckinlutely abhor the way they treat my x-coll.
The only thing funny about the whole situation is that both my x-bosses are so stupid that they don't even know that they don't make sense. It's a pathetic kind of funny.
Get REAL.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 12:08
October 01, 2007
~ Randomly...
September's over.
Like, it woke up the poet in me. Maybe I could and should just write. Even if they don't make no sense to any sensible person.
Gather ye rosebuds while ye mayxxx
Take care, dear FVB.
No, I've come to see that you are so not like her. Anymore. You not only know how to be responsible for yourself; you've learnt to be responsible for others as well. For the lovely lass we have just bade goodbye to.
It's difficult to talk about books, when suggested by another who doesn't take to the beauty of the words.
Next year then. Next year shall we meet again. Till then, take very good care.
xxx
The genre I read is called 'Lonely and depressing'. Very, very nice. More realistic than you could have imagined.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 00:43